POSTED: Friday August 13th 2010
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lightning-Fast Bolt Sprints onto Sidelines with Supposed Injury

Olympic-champion sprinter Usain Bolt lost his first race in two years last week, prompting some questions over his health and his deciding to take a break from the sport for the remainder of the season.

The fastest man alive has put himself in park for the remainder of the season. He says the sabbatical is due to back stiffness, but, of course, that would make him a mere mortal, now wouldn’t it?

I most definitely call shenanigans on Usain Bolt’s decision to rest up until 2011. Firstly, in a sport in which timing means everything (track, in case you are unaware), the timing of this announcement is just a little convenient… or really, really inconvenient depending on your point of view. On Friday, the Jamaican Bolt lost his first individual race in two years, falling quite handily to American Tyson Gay.

Now, there should be a few things that stand out about that last sentence. Of course, there’s the fact that Bolt, who is the Olympic and world champion of the 100-metre dash, who also had been putting on nothing short of one long superhuman performance ever since becoming a household name following the last summer games in Beijing, actually lost a race. Then, of course, there’s the fact that he lost to a guy whose last name is Gay.

Not to take anything away from Gay (or actual homosexuals, for that matter), whose accomplishments in the sport have been well-documented, but it seems to me that Bolt can be forgiven for perhaps wanting to take a step back from sprinting following such a sobering loss. I mean, what is Bolt to think when he hears a commercial for the local news such as this: ““Bolt Eats Gay`s Dust and More on the 11 O’clock News”. Or reads headlines in the paper such as these:

“Olympic Champion Can`t Outrun Gay”

“Bolt Comes up Gay`s Rear in Second-Place Finish”

“Winning Streak Blows up in Bolt’s Face as Gay Beats Him off in 100-m Dash”

“Spandex-Clad Sprinters Gay and Bolt Have Sex at Track Meet”

I mean, maybe that last one is stretching it a bit (to the best of my knowledge the two didn’t engage in sexual intercourse, at least not at the track meet), but please take into consideration the fact that the rest of those headlines would actually be considered credible were it not for Gay’s unfortunate-in-these-circumstances name.

I’m sure that Gay has been made fun of his entire life, and if he were actually gay he would have the hardest time in the world making it public because it would make the jokes even easier and no one would take him seriously. That being said, when you come across a goose that lays golden eggs you don’t just let it go. So, Mr. Gay, my apologies, but you’re my golden goose and you’ve made ma a very rich man… and Bolt likely very poor in comparison - figuratively speaking, anyway.

I mean, at the very least, it would understandably bruise Bolt`s ego, no? Here Bolt is, the man with arguably the world’s most convenient name, one that would lend itself to the easiest-to-think-up, most fitting nicknames on the planet, and he loses to the man with hands-down the worst… in all of sports.

Maybe Bolt really is injured. Maybe he raced injured against Gay and the loss only served as a reality check that he can’t beat anyone on any given day, healthy or hurt. I mean, let’s get real: No man is unbeatable forever. Whatever the case, though, the timing couldn’t be worse… so much so that Bolt will likely wish that he had made the announcement of the injury before the race and now risks reading:

“Bolt Hurts Back, Over-Exerting Himself in Gay Romp”.

Let’s just all be grateful… most of all Bolt, that the stiffness is in his back.


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Keywords · Usain Bolt · Tyson Gay · track · 100-metres · Olympics · Beijing


Name: John Waverly
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